I would like to propose a toast on my miserable life to its the end. Sometimes I just want to quit and stay in an area away from everyone. I keep on dreaming about a luscious paradise that I and my thought would only speak. But this shit ain’t coming until I have ended all of this.
I am sick with everything, people seek me as a strong person with able to stand hardships and trials that I am facing, deep inside I am just a weak person getting beaten by this sick sufferings that I do not want in first place. Sometimes ending is the only way, our only friend, the end.
I keep on seeking for the truth, but I believe also that truth cannot reveal unless we are not preoccupied anymore with emotions. This shit makes me shiver when someone rejects me, my emotions will badly suffer, but still I have to wear this mask of happiness in order not to affect others, most specially to the persons who they say love me.
I need to end everything, I am tired of what should we conform in our world today. Meditation cannot help me anymore for my emotions are badly suffering when you say “give up”. I think sometimes giving up is the truth. I need to end this, I screwed, fuck and messed everything. People, please stop saying that I am strong, I cannot handle anymore this lie showing you how perfect my life is, that you kept on saying that everything good fells on me. In fact that is shit, I am just a no one seeking for my own essence.
Booze wont heal anymore my emotions shattered by this happening. Dying is different from ending, for dying is a way of losing your body while ending is losing your body and at the same time your emotions, feelings, pain and suffering is also free. In that case, I prefer to end everything, I am facing this as a grown up person not as an impulsive person that ending is life is dictated by the norms.
To my friends, I didn’t do this just to get your attention but as a thinking person, that I believe that the only truth in our life is to take our own. I believe also that you might think as a stupid asshole when you see me tomorrow morning lying, in fact it is upon my will.
I am tired, so long, for the end is near and I am ready for it. Beginning came from some others end.
Sayonara, I seek the truth, I seek the truth and understand finally everything: That to live is to suffer from harsh realities.
~end
Today I am fucking bleeding for the nth time. I just cant imagine how stupid our emotions playing us. I feel sick when our parents keep telling us how truthful disney endings could happen to us. A happily ever after, the most stupid douche I ever had. For people who are optimist, they might call me a stupid son of a bitch pessimist people that devours sadness. But sorry to say, I am not a pessimist but rather realist individual.
Sometimes I do understand why people experience pain, I remember one time when Butters (from southpark) said to the goth kid that experiencing pain makes and individual a human. Oh yeah I do believe it but what the heck if a lot of people is in pain or in vain?
This is so hard when we want to end our pain. Fucking hard that it makes me puke when dealing with this crap. It is so hard to hide our true emotions, so hard that sometimes, ending our own misery life is the only way.
Why would I have to end my life. (at least not in a literal manner)
I am tired of conforming to the society I belong.
That sometimes, truth really fucking hurts..
It is better to cry alone than to let it share with other people. They will just bitching you and laugh at your problems.
That sometimes, what we want in our life never really happens. It might result to pain and suffering.
That sometimes, when people are in love, pride is being destroyed. Taking advantage takes place.
That money is what we needed. It is also the root of all evil.
That mind is a blank slate, ready to be exploited by the stronger ones.
That I really do not know my purpose in my miserable life. Whether I have to live to work or to work to live.
That I see other people as a vicious monster ready to eat you.
That sometimes, Virtue could turn into a disaster that people turn into its counterpart: Vices.
That I DO NOT BELIEVE in a term “treason” since every nation already lost its identity.
That the term “Patriotism” and “Nationalism” is a lie.
That sometimes the best Counselor are not Priest, Psychologist etc. but instead, your favorite bartender.
That I really do agree that love and affection is a piece of glass reflecting to your self and then suddenly it will break.
That I really do not know whether a human person will read it or will try to understand me. I guess people will mock and laugh at my writings.
That I do this to release my social anger to the society.
This is again another fuckin trippin day in which nothing adventurous happen in this miserable world. Im so confuse whether I am truly depressed or just faking it. Sometimes i find my happiness when i tend to be sad, sitting alone in a secluded area with Towers of Pizza besides my Laptop.
I admit that sometimes I have suicidal tendencies in which people will not believe in me having this drives. People tend to see me as a person that can easily handle things on my own. But deep inside, I am fucking shattered. I tend to hide reality with a happy me that is masking my miserable life. Sometimes I just want to get myself a break, free my mind and my stupidity.
Having suicidal thoughts start with a little things; from drinking a bottle of poison that will end my fucking life to jumping from the rooftop to the ground. But I am not A FUCKING emo that will tend to slit my own wrist, that is so totally GAY. People around me will not notice that beneath this sly smile is a person indeed with a self destructive thinking.
I tend to hide myself because in my miserable reality life, I am a jolly, forgiving and a happy go lucky person. I tend to release my true emotions by writing this blog. But for now I guess that the joyful mask cannot hide anymore what I truly feel.
